@d3lin3 view

2011-08-26T09:33:00.002+08:00

Feel like a lost child. Not sure what I want and where I want to go. Sometime, I just feel like talking to someone. But my mind went blank the moment I think of name to look for I just feel like crying out loud. But I will not allow my tears to fall infrint of friend. But I not sure of myself and my confident level to manage my own life. I don't have a direction at all. Everyone around me seem to know what they want, where they want to go. The gaps between us is getting bigger and bigger. Reading each other thought seem to be v far away. Can anyone tell me what to do? Where should I be heading to.

2011-08-05T22:09:00.002+08:00

mind was in a mess, that y i decided to a long bus back home to pounder about thing. But the more free time i had to pounder, the more scared i am.

I once had a convesation with my friends, talking about baby being born and those thing like puting a pack of things on their heart. She mention that was because when we were born, we were secured in our mother womb with full protection, but when the baby was being remove from the womb, they had no protection on their surrounding, that y they are easily scared. I keep thinking abt it, was that the reason y i must always have my quit when i was sleeping. Cause it make mi feel safe in it. Was it really true? What has scared me that cause sure a must for me?

The promise that we make, the thing that you use to said. It no longer hold. It totally different. Maybe you and i change. maybe i becoming more pretty or jelouse about your life.

As the bus journey goes on, it had travel to some part of singapore that hold memories, about everything i had in my past life. Joy, Tears Happaniess & Sadness. I thought i had forgotten it. Nope, i just hide it. The childhood memories when i was a kid. Hope it not a hinder as i grow.

the bus rode pass to geland serai. I feel like going down and buy some great food. The first time i came was with 'Cynthia'. It was quite an eye open for me.. Great food, great thing to walk around and nice lightening.

Then i came to enous, the place that we want to get something and that our driving licence... But i think that not coming true within this coming year. Or maybe it has been long forgetten..

At last i arrive to the hougang interchange. I saw my ex colleague. It was a great short talk with her.

A day with all mixed feeeling within it. How great can it be. but who to share beside the beauty of internet..

2011-07-02T13:41:00.002+08:00

We change.. Maybe that y, the feeling is different. We can no longer tolerate certain childish action that each other display. Maybe we not the childish kid or innocent kid. Maybe the surrounding friends we knew change the level of tolerate level we had. That y the feeling is different, it different. We no longer the kid we had use to be..

2011-06-26T22:37:00.003+08:00

The emptiness in me, it getting bigger. I can help to ignore it.. Somehow, somewhat it affecting my life, the way I view thing and the percentage of me opening up my heart. Before I realize, it was already shut once again. Work is the only solution I had to stop these negative thought.. Keep going, u make it through fine.

2011-06-15T12:22:00.002+08:00

The feeling has change. Maybe it was always far away, but I kept lying that there no gap. They change the outlook of my room. The way thing were place make mi feel that i was push to a corner. My space freedom was limited. I kept my mouth shut. Maybe i was extra. Maybe 4 is better then 5. I was so worn out of life. But no one seem to be bother. True, i was nothing to them.

At work, i felt that I should wait till green light is given then I do it.. But their thinking is that I should help no matter if boss gave green light or not. But I left nothing but pride. If that was destroy, then what do I left?

The communications between us was getting lesser. We no longer can read each other mind. Guess what ppl said were right. The environment can really change us. You were busy with ur work and him. There no communications between us. Good for u that u found your world.. Hope I found my too..

thought

2011-05-24T01:07:00.003+08:00

Something bothering mi..bjust can't seem to fall asleep.. No matter how hard I try.. How tired my body and eyes are. My mind just can't switch off..

Had a really bad day from the start of day till end of days. But who to grumble to?? Who to disturb?
Crazy thought been throught my mind.. Need a break but my friend aren't free to travel.. Maybe I should take a week off and travel alone. To relax and enjoy, and to clear my mind.

Time to make plan for traveling alone. And also stiching off my mobile. So if one day u can't find mi, don't worry.. Look for mi in a week time.

a change?

2011-04-03T00:18:00.002+08:00

start to love my blog, it a place where i am throw out my thinking, my feeling. it seem to be like my hearing ear. whenever, i am feeling down it always there.. there been quite alot of changes these few month.. change my job, qui carrefour... i'm quite suprise there a major change in me. not sure if any of my friend realise it.. last time, i been quiet a quiet person regarding my thinking or feeling. But now, i blow up most of the time. not really blow it up but i just speak out my feeling without going throught it in my mind before i said it out. sometime, i knew i hurt someone with that comment. but thing can't be deleted. i can pretend to delete it by saying 'i'm sorry' but does it help? touch your heart and ask yourselves this question? if u are the other party, can u forget everything and pretend nothing happen? so do you find mi a bastard now? i always answer thing without thinking much. But there a question post to mi by my friend that kept mi in thought till today.. at least for 4 month now.. it a direct translation. the question is ' what do you live for? ' living for a freaking 24 year but i never seem to know the answer. till today till now, i'm still searching for the answer..

2011-01-12T10:59:00.002+08:00

If i said that i wis i were dead.. would anyone believe. I thought at least there someone who know me well enough . But i was wrong.. I was all alone all along. I am totally sick and tired of the mess i make to my life. Funnt thing is i had quarrel.. When i feel angry, i blame myself. Now i know y people drink to get drunk. It not because they were sad, But becuase they blame themselves for thing that happen and the feeling it reallu unbearable. Drinking can really lighten it up alot. I try it and guess what, it really feel great.. Guess we never comment thing till we really into that situance. I hate quarrel because when i am firece, i afraid that the other party get more firece, or even when i'm firece and the other party is timid, i felt sorry for them. Wired isn't it. Sometime i knew people were taking advantage of mi but you think that i don't wanna voice out? i just scared. Cause i am all alone. I only blame myself for being so timid

I been so independent when i was as young as 14. I rely on myself for what ever decision in my life. But now i'm really tired. I just want someone to make decision for mi. My friend said that i'm still so childish and don't even know how to plan out my life. I never had someone to rely on.. i just want to have it to feel it. I'm jelouse that people can have the chance to taste it.

Ready to hand it in???? ready to leave everything behind and explore a new world??? i crave for it since there nothing for mi to worry, but i am afraid. cause i'm all alone without my friend. Family? forget about it.

My parent taught mi not to trust stranger. Th enviroment taught mi to trust nobody but myself. My self confident taught mi not to trust anyone. Who can i trust??? I don't even believe in myself.

2010-10-19T17:48:00.002+08:00

totally lost my mood today!! nothing for mi go smoothly.. nothing at all.. no one seem to notice a change in my tone at all.. no one..

'You ask me what was wrong, i reply with a smile nothing. But i turn my back and reply everything. ' I don't need you to understand my pain or sadness. I just need abit of attention to show that i am still being care and bother by someone. that all i ever need.

cannot believe that my parent mix up thing i like to eat with my sister. Guess they only remember my sister and brother. My sister don't eat prawn. I eat any seafood, and further more it my favourite. the order taker ask if we want prawn. My dad said it okie, cause only him and my mum take it. i was stumble with words.. nothing came out of my mouth. I shut it up. Like the way i shut my world up.

Thing wasn't going smoothly at work too.. got a scolding for a number of thing. thing that was not my fault. thing that i should be responsible for blah blah blah.. till i lost track of it.

wanna get drunk to get thought away so i will not felt that hurt i am feeling inside.

2010-10-06T09:47:00.001+08:00

Wednesday 6 Oct (9.49am)

Went out dinner with my work friend yeaterday. Had alot of laughter. the dinner was all right but not that fancy as we thought.

next tuesday is the dinner and dance for carrfour.. Last one for this company name.. got alot of regret for this name.. Kind of miss the fun and joy we use to had in it. But think i am going to really treasure this last dinner and dance.. Hoping that it will be a great one and memorable. Cannot wait till the day to arrive..

The following week after dinner and dance.. I am going drinking with my work friend.. First time drinking with them.. Location will be great world city.. Trying hard to mingle with them .. Cause there alot for mi to improve to catch up with them.. It really a different enviroment from all my other job. Other job there alot of youngster and there fun and joy.. Of course there lots of topic to disscuse.. But over here, i really don't know what topic to talk expect common topic.. Nothing can go wrong with common topic. And defintetly, there no bonding within mi and this Dept.. Carrfour i cannot let go because of the memories and bonding.. But here, i think i can easily go anytime.. Which mean it not very good.. Trying my best to work hard to getting this bonding closer..

Haha.. Finally after that week. It hong Kong week.. cannot wait for that day to arrive.. Ocean Park, i am coming.. haven change money for it yet.. Hoping it will be a great trip.

Time to work!!!

2010-10-01T10:13:00.002+08:00

It friday! it suppose to be fun and enjoyable.. but it children day tml.. what do i have to remember of children day?? nothing.. only bad memories. memories of family? nope.. childhood friend? yes.. kind of miss my ex neighbour.. she was like a big sister to us.. she was there when we needed her. She gaves us present on our birthday, at the same time she suprise us.. that the only memories i had of a kids.

Growing up in a enviroment that you got no one to believe but yourselves? not even your family or friends? i admint i kind of believe 2 person in my life. that him and another of my friend. But i was afraid being too close and opening up my world. was afraid getting it destroy it again..

Sometme, seeing her face, the angry anf frasted face. It make me depress.. was really blaming myself. nothing i done was right. Afraid of getting close but also afraid of losing it. I had nothing in my life except friends.. If i lose them, i really don't know what becoming of mi..

2010-09-27T09:40:00.002+08:00

Monday morning (9.41am 27 Sep)

It monday Blue again.. Back in office after a slack weekend. Friday nite, i have alot of fun with friends.. Drink drink drink.. The fun and laughter we had was like never before.. Sat night.. another round of fun.. Drink drink drink.. that was abit quiet then friday but still fun.

However, sunday i drop dead on bed whole day.. Tired to the max.. cause we ended our drinking at 3 plus and slack there to wait for sockto finsh drinking with friend... reach home at 4.. But the music and drinking really fun..

Tonight it Joon hui birthday,, another round of drinking again.. lol.. Timber at art house.. Never been there before.. But htink it going to be cool... drink drank drunk.. lol.. cannot wait till 5.30pm.. Where my fun will start again..

Really hate going work.. Not that i hate the work place or people in it.. But just hate it.. No motivation to work on.. Nothing to struck for.. People work hard for family and position.. But i see nothing for mi to work for.. No room for position.. Family? not to mention.. what more to work for..

Like a empty shell.. like nice on the outside but empty on the inside.

2010-09-22T09:39:00.003+08:00

Wed 22 sep.

Another normal wed. yesterday was crappy.. had a light argurment with my boss but i still did the market list to what he want after work.. kind of went slacking during work.. hate being in office so decided to go out and breath fresh air.. slack for about 1 hour and 15 min. wanted to talk to someone but i guess music is the only person i thought of. Music speak it all.

Sometime i think my boss only speak but no action. He success in speaking but no action to be done. He only push it to other to do it. Most of the time gone from office to smoke or slack i not very sure.

Y can he do it and yet so fucking successful. and i guess he pay is quite high too.. No motivation to work. Kind of planing to slack everyday.

In this world, first of all. know nothing is better then everything. Secondly, keep your mouth shut unless you want to do the job of correction. Thirdly, mind your own business. forthly, never let people see how little thing you had to do.. always prentend that you are busy with all the work. take your time to find the job. drag it the longer the possible.. lastly, always cc someone in your email, or keep that crap email in cause the other party lie. at least there supporting document or evidence. THAT THE RULE OF OFFICE JOB.. remember it well and you will success very well in office.

Time to go drag my work.

2010-09-20T09:33:00.002+08:00

another plain day.. just wanna do someting to get my mind off him.. Y do i have to be so unlucky to come across his photo.. I tought i get over him but i haven.. i am just lying to myself all this while..

Plain monday.. thought my friend could help mi get him out of my mind.. but she not free today.. guess it time i depend on my own. plan to listen to music all the way from start of work till end.. from the bus journey back home.. need time to clear my mind and soul.. once i reach home, i will start watching a comedy vcd which i just bought.. Hope that it will cheer mi up.. plus i was late on meeting my friend today in the morning.. I really did blame myself hard..

Really hope tml will be a better day.. but firstly i have to get through today.. trying my best now.. time to work!!!

2010-09-20T00:37:00.002+08:00

did you have people in your lifw that support you.. be there for you..

did you have people who are proud of you when yo u done something great or achieve something..

do you have people who are proud to said that that my daughter.

i never.. i just wanna to do something that people will be proud of.. people will said 'wow' you did it, or really admire you.. but i screw up everything.. everything in my life. Cannot even pass simple test, cannot success in everything in life..

i just want it all but it only appear in my dream.. it all a dream.. no achievement, nothing expect a screw up life..

2010-09-19T23:41:00.003+08:00

I was born with on one to bother about mi.. Being throw from one location to another (which is my thinking) was hard enough for mi to accept. i try to throw away this thinking... pretending hard to be happy and i had success. till he came along. he taught mi to open out and learn to speak. but before i master it, he leave. it really hurt.. it hurt really deep that i decided to shut it and double lock my life and my thought.

I admit that i was really jelouse of everyone around mi, their life, the attention they had, the love they got and attract..

i am really tired of pretending.. sorry if anyone of you find changes in mi. but the truth it that the real mi. i had to fight for thing in my life, believeing that no one will bother about mi even myself. i really hate myself to the core seriously. i am selfish. because my world only contain myself and mi. even when it come about money, feeling and thought. I keep it all to myself, cause i was afraid of getting hurt. i wanted hard for attention, i wanted hard for peopke to think that i am popular. but thought of selfishness never leave mi

One day, my friend will have a family and love one to care about. I will be lonely again.. that the truth that i am afraid of. but i knew i got to face it. that was y i perfer to be alone most of the time. cause i wanna get use to it first.. wanna numb my feeling before in face the truth. i don;t wanna cry anymore but i cannot stop the tear..

god, please help mi.. please...

2010-09-15T16:38:00.002+08:00

Need a place to vent my anger out. super piss off!!!!!

i hate people ordering mi around. Who the hell you think you are???? don't order mi around when you don't even deserve my respect. if you ever want to comment on my timing.. Look at your first before you comment on my. You are far more worst then mi. Bastard!! you just like to control people, and when people don't listen to you or respect you, you play pattern. Bastard, it my LIFE. not your.. Don't control my life or order mi around cause no one on this fucking earth can do it!!! you act like a angel but the fact is you are not!! STOP PRETENDING!! ASSHOLE!!

STOP LYING!!! you said there was incentive but there wasn't at all.. What the fucking use of working so darn fucking hard. You knew if there nothing to look forward to, then poeple will not work hard. that y you make up this thing. But only a group of people are elligable for it. Not sure if you were trying to trick us or you really not sure. But this has prove that you are not that innocent or truthful as i thought you were Great, you use mi to finish up your task. Great for you. You did it!! you have success..

Time to be devil!!! no more believing that this world has angel. because we are all standing at the DARK side of a human world. only yourselves to trust..

2010-06-14T11:11:00.002+08:00

One lie after another...ADELINE KAN, what the fu*k you doing????? My inner thought reply it was a white lie.. maybe all these while i was lying to myself this whole life. I was doing it either to make myself better or to cover thing up??? I hear it from somewhere that male lie to cover themselves. Female lie to cover for other to make other feel better. Was it proven?
Prehape from the start i been lying to myself so that i can feel better myself. But one thing for true, those tears that i cry at night are true. it a time of the day where i can be true to myself for once. but also those smiling time with friend in the day. but when i am alone. Those smile was really fake. It time to wake up.. from this life and lead a brand new life now.. ADELINE KAN....

2010-05-25T09:38:00.002+08:00

I really surprise at how i react to certain situation. I felt so unknown about this person within mi. Th reaction has proven to mi that i had grown mature over the time, but it also proven that i start to learn the real world. A world that only care about yourselves, not other.
If i can choose, i might as well choose not to grown up and live with my thought that might not even bother mi at all. I grown so far away from what i expect myself to be. i don't want to.. But the world is turning mi into. In order to fit into this small tiny world of theirs.

'NUMB' is the words to descripte mi now. I numb to thing. Maybe that y i did that action of it. To choose to run away from problem and avoid getting hurt. Who will trigger my thought and make it light up again? i am in search for it, But mean while i only left to keep on going numb about thing around mi.

2010-05-12T10:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday when i went work, a look of scan through, i saw 2 cashier worling. Sup doing counter and service counter. I ended up doing POSB due to cashier have thing that she need to rush home. I saw cyn and 2 other friend of mine yesterday. Kind of miss them right now. Miss the time where we use to fight and work together. Having fun and enjoying our work to the fullest. Miss the time that spent with them.

Really wanna take some time off from my work and life. Enjoy a few fun day with friend to relax. When was the last time i really had a good laugh out with them? can't even remember it at all.. Life really pull people apart. Busy with our life and manageing the shit out of it can be reeally hard. But without my friend, i really don't know what going to become of mi.

I am really surprise with the changes in mi. The enviroment i been in has create a grown in mi. A more mature mi. Making realise that sometime, thing just meant to be this way. The normal crappy mi will soon be exist.

2010-04-22T11:39:00.000+08:00

I HATE HATE IT !!! EVERYTHING SUCK!!!! what has happen to my own life. It seem that i had lose control of it liao!!! I did not know what to do. Wanting to let go but afraid of letting go.. I hate my job but i afrais of exploring into new choice. Funny isn' it?

I know it my fault for not placing it. But when i left the thing it still not on my desk.. AGAIN WHY IS IT MY FAULT FOR THING THAT HASN'T APPEAR ON MY DESK????? BLOODY IDIOT FOOL!!!! ASSHOLE!!!!

IDIOT KNOW THAT IT TAKE 2 HAND TO CLAP.. BUT WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS TO TAKE THE BLAMING??????

WHY IS MY LIFE SUCH A FAILURE. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, NOTHING GOOD TURE OUT. EVERYTHING JUST SUCK TILL THE END.. MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT, I AM A FAILURE. A FAILURE IN EVERYTHING, EVERY SINGLE THING IN LIFE. Once thing are achieve, maybe it time to let go.

2010-04-22T11:27:00.000+08:00

There really alot more to explore in this world. Thought to pounder about, thing to learn. Sometime, it just depend on which angel are you staning at to look at this problem. Being denfinsive is a way to protect yourself, some people look it as to push the blame far away from them. Or trying to hint that they got nothing to do with the problem. Maybe that human nature.

I use to said i hate people who backslach other. But are we sure we never do it before? I think that i am walking more toward the evil side of mi now. Being a two headed snake. Sometime, i did not mean it but it seem that word just came out of my mouth. I did not choose it but it just came out. I want to said 'sorry' but it really hard for mi to open up and said sorry to the person i said the words out to just because i did it out of angry.

Life is fair, you gain something, but somewhere, you lose something. You might know it or you might not notice it because it no longer important in your life. Just liek a family with alot of money, The parent is busy earning money for their kid and also chasing the important in life like statue and lifestyle, That they forgotten their primary goals like a happy family having a day off to enjoy pinic or kite flying together. I keep chasing into the dream world that i want to creat for myself that i neglected friend and family. Maybe i was just jelouse of other family or rather my own sister for having a great bonding with the family. I did not have much common with them, it really make mi feel left out. But once i step a step into pursing my dream, i afarid to let it go. Afraid of losing all my powder that i got. Maybe that the reason i choose to hold on and ingore the primary goal of being with my family and enjoy a day of relaxing out together.

2010-04-22T11:19:00.000+08:00

We are all human being. It okie to be angry or jelouse at time. At least we are being true to ourself. It different kind of situation, there are million to zilltion of feeling and emption being make up depend on the person character and mindset. Selfishness is definite as one of them. People always has this said, Be true to yourslef or rather be yourslef. So being selfifsh is just being myself. However, why are we being scream and blame for being oueself? There a question that going throught my mind without any answer. we always mention that we understand other feeling when consolde them, but ow true is it? were you in the same mindset or rather same sttutide when face the same situation? Jelouse is one thing, but we are human being don't admit to it, Cause we are taught that if we admit certain kind of feeling, we are being scold for having narrow thinking.

2010-04-09T10:27:00.000+08:00

It seem that the distance between us has grown widen. Was it because we don't spend much time together or there wasn't much topic between us to discuss?
We use to have long talk over the phone for 3 to 4 hour for 3 times a week. to short talk of 30 to 1 hour , to 2 time a month on a phone to 10 mintues per call. Looking back in life, really miss the time we had together, the bonding that we once share tightly that no one can break it up.
My normal convesation of message with my work friend are more that our message together. what has happen? was it because that we no longer share the topic, was we were too busy working that we lose our usual self.
Now i know what people always said don't look back. cause looking back can only make your more sad. I miss everything we use to hold tightly in our heart in the past.

2010-04-06T10:17:00.000+08:00

Adult world is rather difference from a kid world. Maybe it because the view point is difference. the friend that we get to know in kid world might not have the same feeling as we grow older. The topic we share, the time we had on phone. the feeling even when we met is difference. We all had our own promblem to solve, our own world to tackle. we tend to keep ourselves in our own world becuase who would like to be open out to hurt and pain? But a true love is to let go. Cause you will your friend or your love one to find happiness, people who also help to lit up their life and smile. love can
when u refuse to let go, it might be because you are afraid to lose it. Saying ''letting go'' this word is easy. But question is if we were the one in that place of it, will it be that easy for you? Seeing my friend in trouble, worry about thing and problem in family. But there nothing i can do, make mi feel useless. I hardly have time to lend her my hearing ear. what can i do?

2010-03-29T14:16:00.000+08:00

getting abit worn out from the life i am leading now.. sometime using work to take up my time and numb myself is a goos choice. But human are human. We need someone to be there for us when we are feeling down, there to comfort us and accompany us. prehape no matter how strong you are, there still a weakness in me. Putting a brave front is an easy task for mi, putting on a smile even thought i not happy or worn out is not a problem for mi. Guess so far no one had seem throught mi yet. but there a inner mi that i wish people could see throught that i just faking a smile. human are really confuse people. one mintues you wish no one notice, another you wish someone see throught it.
Guess there one time where i really hate myself, that i try so hard to be my friend so that i could be well accept by people. the clothes she dress, the thing she like. the way she do thing. But i try too hard that it backfire. guess i still remember the words she said. 'y are you wearing like mi, same clothes.' , 'if u want you can have my boyfriend too' well that was rather hurting for mi. But guess she did not notice that i was just trying to be like her so that i could be accept by other. Guess i don't have the social skill that great as compare to other. if u ask what i hated that, i can tell you that will be myself. what i fear? i thought after so long of training i woul get use. nope.. answer is still alone.
Sometime, i use to think i am nothing but a unless bum. Now think i agree more to it. what i am great at, otherr are far more better then mi, far more. There nothing i am brag about. nothing to be proud of. Nothing to show off, Studies, loser i am. Social skill , wrost then anyone. Look? i hate my ownself. Talent? nothing but bullshit.

What in store in the future for mi, i don't know. But what i know is there a coffin right at the end waiting for mi. when will my journey end? i don't know either. All i know is i am counting toward the day it arrive.. seriuosly.

2010-02-19T10:38:00.000+08:00

Sometime, i just ask myself "why can't we live our life like a child?" when we were kid, we like to do stupid thing. The laughter that come after we do that action/thing. where is all this now?Thing that we never thought too much. But once you grow up, when you are unhappy and wanna do someting childish, we will always think twice. or even consider it before asking friend if they can do it with you. Is this what we called afraid of losing face and staute?
The older we grow, the more we consider about our face and staute. The lesser entertainment we share. The lesser fun we had together. y is it so? maybe it because we don't want other to talk behind us. or we want to look more mature and accept as a grown up?
Each and every of us has a life to lead now. There no use looking behind and sadden myself over it. Grip on my teeth and move on. come on adel. You can do it alone!! cause life has never been fair and there nothing you can do about it. i told myself.

2010-01-28T09:53:00.000+08:00

I went off working full time job and a part time job. It quite tiring for mi. I thought of saving tha amount for my master degree and future studies. But think it going to take mi quite a long time. Soon i will have to pay my housing loan with my CPF. it does not affect mi now as there no use to my CPF now. But thinking that my family cannot even support themselves really tired mi out. I really envy those parent who can support their kid to studies. But my cannot. I can only depend on myself to do the job.
I am 23 year old now.. it time i be abit more mature in my thinking. There really lots to worry in a adult life. thought like is there enough for the electricity bill?' 'Is there enough for the whole family to be alive keeping them well feed and studies?' 'is there additional wages to be going around?' alot of thought come in mind. A parent will try way to save for the kid.. Mi? i tried all the ways to earn to keep my family going and myself going.. I don't mind giving up few hour of rest time just to earn additional money. But a human need support to carry on.. How much longer can i hold on? i try my best to hold on till i really drain out.. but i don't give promise guys...

2010-01-12T14:46:00.000+08:00

Each and every of us just want to have a place for us to vent our anger on. I hardly talk to my parent. sometime i just felt that my job suck. I was always wondering why am i always doing all the job.. why other can relax but not me. They ask mi to help to serve water to patient. They said that they are in need of people. But why are they sitting in the office having breakfast or rather a cup of coffee and joking when i was slaving up there help them like a IDIOT!!!.. y??? Why does my work seem endless when other seem to have nothing to do ? I wanna vent my anger somewhere.. I hate conflict.. So in then end i can only suffer alone in my heart. Keeping my thought all to myself.. Maybe the part of the reason to my my tears is easily trigger. If i were to complain to my friend, normal answer will be 'quit la'.. who doesn't want? Everyone has time to go out for lunch. and even time for a cup of coffee and sit down to relax together. But mi ???? i even need to being my rice bowl infront of my com so that i can do and work together. So that i can complete the work in time. This job SUCK!!!

I depend on my music more and more often to keep me going.. It help mi feel that i am not alone. who doesn't know that ear piece hurt your ear drum? but what can i do without it?

Expecation is a bench mark for improvement. But it also a point to get hurt. So does promise.. Really hate the words promise.. Maybe i don't believe in promise anymore. When promise is being broke, it hurt and it never recover. Like if u were to use a axe to chop down a tree, after sometime, you decided not to chop it down. No matter how hard u try to take care of it, Giving it all your love. It wil never recover the mark that being chop. 2 time that promise is being broken. i know it wasn't any one fault. Maybe it just my own childish mind. Perhape it telling me that it time i out myself in my own world and shut down everyone around mi. It time to do it..

2009-11-29T17:19:00.000+08:00

people use to said look don't matter, it the inner that matter.. But how truth is it? it just a entertainment sentence or what ? Is it really truth that we never judge a person by it look? you dare to swear to it? If it really truth, then why are there people who working so hard to keep in look? to create the first impresstion.. and that look again!!
we all try so hard to keep in look just to fit into the social norm.. So hard that some of us lose our happiness on the way.. JUST TO BE IN THE SOCIAL NORM? once you look fat, people don't said it in front.. but they will dicuss it at the back of yours.. Thye said they don't want to hurt your feeling.. But why do they said that look don't matter but discuss it at the back of yours?
if we don't bother about look? then why are we so bother about ours own look? Going for facial treatment, going for slimming down. Wearing nice and new clothes. Making ours hair nice?

Maybe it all depend on which point of view you are standing.. But truthfully i don't even know where i stand myself. But don't ever said that setences that look don't matter because you have break it already..

2009-11-27T14:45:00.000+08:00

I choose to be a angel. But enviroment or should i said reality has change me into devil. The tempetation they given me was only suvivor. Only when u are evil, then you will know when other going to lauch a attack on you. ' good people always died early' sound familar huh? being too nice, people just take advantage of you. you help them once, they will keep using you to do it. Because angel don't said 'No'.
My teacher taught mi that this world don't need another mother teresa. In this reality, people just don't care. It help them to save their butt from trouble or to protect their job. what ever the reason maybe. They can pretend nothing happen when they saw other people being in disadvangtage. they would just said, it not problem so why should i care, why should i raise the problem out? human will then weight the benfit in it. If there isn't any, or it going to affect their staute in the orgainization, over you fat hope they will help you.
when people are sad, they just want someone to be there for them. But not to ask 'why' question. Because it really annoying. when the person it ready to said it out, it will said. so just be there to lend a shoulder but not ask question. it really help the person alot. Imagine, you are really rather sad about being replace or family issuse. Would you want other to ask you ' why are u feeling vexed?' 'why you quarrel with your family' 'why this and why that' STOP IT!!!. when a person in vexed, what you said might trigger it more. or 'you should not quarrel with them' 'i know what they did is wrong but they are your parent' COME ON... the person is already..... and you are leturing them. Bet you are in this situtation before. But when we are at the other position, we tend to forget what we expect too when we are in the moodly sititation. So just be there silent and ready to lend a shoulder but PLEASE keep your month tight till they are ready to said. Sometime, people do think without thinking. give them some space, i guess we are all old enough to think but all we need is to cool down first. And if there always an answer to every 'WHY' question then i bet alot of us has a few 'WHY' question to ask god.

2009-11-24T09:17:00.000+08:00

A lot of thing has been punder in my mind. Most of us look upon someone as a role model. But what if the role model fail us? what will we think? We always said human are not perfect. Everyone make mistake. Are we able to forgive the person who make mistake? or are we going to leave on our pride? Why is it always so hard to said 'sorry' to our love one? we can said 'sorry' easily to any stranger but not our love one. why? We get tounch by sad story outside. We can see other people problem easily and cristise them. But why cannot we see ours? why is it so hard to care for our love one or even tell them 'i love you' ? when was the last time we even told our parent that 3 words? symbiosis relationship - it is a relationship that do not involve sexually but only feeling, trust or even looking upon the person as role model. It happen mostly to the person if they are in high position. Seriously i don't mind, having people symbiosis mi. Lol.. maybe at least someone bother and care about me.

I always love to be in the back stage doing support. But as time goes on, i perfer to be in the front getting all the power i want. I always thougt that even if you do not have the cert, as long as you have the hardworking in you and experience in you will do. But as i grow up, i realise that people really look in cert. If you were to use hardworking as a point. It totally wrong. People is just making use of you to do extra work while they lay back and relax when you are doing their work. And when it time for reward, they will get it. But gods know who the one doing it. You think your boss know? they never able to see what below them, they only get to see what around them and above them. Some or rather should i said most of them are trying to please people above them. Look also win alot in this reality. People judge you on how you look. With look and bootlicking. You are definitely in a winning position and the best survivor.

WHAT HAPPEN ?

2009-11-20T15:14:00.000+08:00

Different people have different view. Some look thing at a different angle. when people grow up, their mind change according to the envirement or peer around, or because of some unfinish business in them? Or because of problem occur in their stage of life that lead them to who they are? i really don't know the actual answer.

When i was young i use to believe in fairytales. Believe in everything people said or even in stranger. i never had a doubt about what they said or even pounder about what they said are right or not. But now, it different. i start to doubt in everything. Thing they told mi or the action they do. Sometime i even suspect that they had an intent of doing all thing thing. i don't believe that people will do thing without a benfit to them. I even think that even human have a devil in them. On one is a complete angel. I seem to doubt on most of the thing. what trigger my doubt? or is it because i lost my self-confident or i don't even who i am now.

Past few day thought

2009-11-17T09:59:00.000+08:00

feeling quite sick today.
Past few day, the result for my counselling skill is out and guess what i got a 'F'.. REALLY DARM IT!!!! seriously i do care abit of my result but maybe not that much. Because i am a sore loser. i really put in alot of rather abit more effort then other. but how come they can pass and i can't. that my first thinking even before i get an answer to why i fail. BEACUSE of my assigment. Really stupid of mi. i am a real idiot. save it in mirsoft 2007 instead of 2003 to 2007. but one thing i am unhappy is that why cannot they tell mi that they could not open the file. why must they put a 'F' and require mi to ask them myself.. What if i so STUPID and never ask????? Then it means that i would fail the module. And pay that $150 to retake the test when i could had pass it in the first place. Even if i retake the test, i would fail. Because they could not open my assigment at all... But overall because i am a sore loser. Seriously.

I choose to switch off my phone or even not replying call or message because i just wanted to be alone. and the great thing is i learn to make up excuse of why i did not reply call or message instead of telling my friend that i just want to be alone. Because sometime, you just want to be alone but don't want your friend to know what happening. i don't want to grap any attention on me. I just want to lay low profile. But if i don't answer call or message, my friend start getting angry at me, without any choice but to lie. Certain thing even if you tell your friend, to what extend can they help??? How long can they be there?? sometime, i just need to be alone cause certain thing i got to sort it out myself. nobody can help mi. It can inner thought or inner conflict that hurting me. i need to solve it myself. Counsellor can only assist you. friend can only give advice. But only mi and myself can solve or had the power to control it.

2009-06-19T15:26:00.001+08:00

think i really lack of sleep.. losing my level of patient real fast.. doing all this, is it worth in the first place? finding time for friend? working hard for family? fighting for a unknown future? i really don't know.. sometime i can just broke into tear, without any reason... when i look down from my window, i have thought of jumping down.. thinking how will i feel when i jump down? before i land what come to my mind? what does it feel like when i going in a increase speed downward? negetive thought going throught my mind.

Learn something in the process of growing.. the word 'PRETEND' getting quite use to it. i will soon master the skill..

2009-04-03T18:21:00.000+08:00

i am really tired and worn out.. tired with the world of expectation of mi.. worn out by everything.. i try to keep telling myself in the mind that i will make it, and i am happy. hoping that i will fell better abit.. and i can tell u it really does help.. if your mind decided to be happy, your mood will be happy.. but somehow or sometime, flashback keep coming back.. but i are trying.. trying hard to be happy.. really trying..

2009-04-02T12:58:00.000+08:00

one of my friend once ask mi what will i do if i knew that i only have one day to survive.
my answer will be i 'i will irrated each and every one of my friend so they will be angry and piss off with mi' and on my funeral that day, no one will appear but that does no bother mi.. at least there will not be any tear or sad face found in my funeral. i wanted everyone to be happy..
sometime if i know i irrated or get my friend to be unhappy with mi, i get really sad.. i just want everyone around mi to be happy, even at the cost of mi unhappy..

2009-03-30T16:19:00.000+08:00

the time now is 5.45pm.. and guess what, i still at workplace.. sian.. Got a whole pile of work to be done. last time i use to pile all the thing in one account of accural.. now it double job time.. there are serveral account for mi to remember.. bervage goes into one account.. disposal item another. kitchen item another.. chemical another. form another and more.. think i have to work double hard to complete the work and putting it on the correct budget..
school atarting soon in 8 april.. kind of excited and worry.. hope i will be able to cope with it. what i wanna do now is get a diploma now first and decided what i really want to do in the future..

2009-03-09T14:58:00.000+08:00

Don't know when it started.. music seem to be a part of my life now.. the moment i step out of my house, i start to put on my ear piece for music.. when i step out of my office back home, music.. when i feeling down, music.. when i am all alone music.. when i am working , music.. when i going to sleep, music.. maybe it wasn't the music i like, it the sound that keep my mind occupied.. i was afraid to show that i am alone or lonely..
i do anything to keep my mind occupied.. i rather work to death, tired to death then bored to death..
If i were to ask you what were you afraid of most ?
my answer is lonely,
people change due to enviroment, human factor... i do admit that i change.. for a better or worst? both factor..
the old mi loves to smile and laugh.. nothing seem to pull mi down.. and i always got a scolding from my friend that i not serious at all... too simple minded, people tend to take advantage of mi without mi realising it.. the mi now... hardly smile.. take too much thing in mind.. sometime take thing too serious... and my friend scold mi for keeping thing to myself and keep frowning.. and they said i hardly smile even if there a joke..
i am trying my best.. trying to be self confident.. trying to think that someone love mi and care for mi.. if u were to tell mi family.. i would tell u, if u were born in a family with sister who is a great scholar and a brother who the only male heir.. starting i thought it was just my only mind that pulling mi down.. but even month end, my mum would ask for money.. never mind, cause it should be my duty to give her.. but it all happen when i told her that i wanna study asking of dad could help mi pay half of it... my mother started to said that alot of people who start working who pay for their own school fee.. blar blar blar.. ok fine.. they pay for my sis uni, it okie, cause she will really study.. what i felt unfair is, she can pay for my sis rebonding.. my sis and brother facial.. my sis and brother phone bill.. and brother gaming set.. well, forgot about it.. earn my own, pay my own, manage my own.. all alone.. that y i am always afraid of lonely..

2009-01-22T15:18:00.000+08:00

sian.. sick and tired of life.. wanna take a really long break from it.. at least 1 month to rest ba.. my work load is alot with pile of invoice on my table and pile of market list to filled in.. as everyday pass by, there piles of invoice coming in again.. and there short of man power in the service line.. so i have to help out to serve water in the morning till 11.15 earliest, 11.30 out in canteen to help serve food till 1.30.. had my lunch and do my work SAME TIME. then 2.30 i have to go help store man and recieve goods and order goods.. COME ON LA.. I WHERE GOT TIME TO DO MY OWN WORK.. i only got 1 hour everyday to do invoice which i always use 6 hour to finish.. everyone playing pushing games.. and the most UNLUCKILY one is HERE!!!!! planing which day should i end my work.. maybe in july ba.. or earlier?

2008-11-08T11:38:00.001+08:00

Really don't know what i am doing, what i want, how i feel... there too much secert hiding in mine.. feel like exploding.. i can only cried alone at night, wanna said out everything.. but it all meant to be a secert.. it really hurt to keep a secert.. how i wish time will turn back.. but now i can only live with it..
Forgetting it or hiding it? please guys.. at least i am trying to be happy.. does it matter if i forgotten it or trying to avoid it? at long as i live each day with a smile.. right ? i admit i am avoiding it rather then lying to u all that i forgotten it.. but i really cannot do it.. so guys, let just pretend i forgetten it.. ok?
let assume that my life does not exist age 19 and 20.
wanna go escape theme park to really have fun and shout it out loud.. but i know u all don't really wanna go.. so it okie..

2008-10-29T15:32:00.001+08:00

Everyone will change.. it just depend on how fast or how slow.. maybe she change too fast or maybe we are too slow. i really don't know. 'friend forever' does this word really exist in this world? once the other party change too fast or too slow, there has to be a gap. it all depend on how long can we still hold on to the gap. but when the gap is discover, thing turn ugly. y can't thing ended up with a nice ending. a nice small black full stop.

TIME TO PUT SELF BEFORE OTHER. maybe i will feel better. even though it look selfish but at least i protect myself from getting hurt by anyone ba.

2008-10-16T16:51:00.000+08:00

Lots of thing have been happening so far. feeling abit down.. anyway i went to d and d yesterday.. and guess what.. i won the 7th prize.. but great thing is i don't even know what is the 7th prize.. think can't be anything great.. haha.. cause the first prize don't look attractive.. and the door gift is a bar of carrfour 80% noir chocolate which expire on nov 2008.. 'great door gift'.. and the whole enjoyable part is the games part and the last one which is disco dancing.. other then that, the mc really cannot make it,, almost fall asleep.. but the best food is the chicken rice.. great.. it really very nice..
chinese has this saying ' walk one step, watch one step' really hope for a smile now.. but i believe i can make it.. it just that i really don't know when only.. to some people, they might think it irresponisble if u ignore the problem. but something, it good to take a breath of frresh air, walk down the shore or let other had a chance to take over.. ignore don't mean don't care.. it because i just need a breath or break.
Listen to the song 'Take a bow'.. really great song..

2008-10-14T09:09:00.000+08:00

feel kind of depress yesterday... maybe it was oct 13 ba.. i guess.. i was thinking alot these few day.. does fairy tales really come true? does it really exist?
those who found their fairy tales.. they are really lucky..
these few day i had alot of thought.. not only about myself but also about my friend.. something it really hurt u to see your friend getting so sad or depress but there is nothing u can do to help them..
all of us have spent alot of happy time together.. anyone of us,,, no matter is with any of you friend.. but once something happen.. maybe just a problem.. every single happy memoories are delated.. we don't bother about the past happy memories but only remember what the other party has done to us.. is this human behaviour? is this the world we are brought up from ?
i really wanna help everyone.. but it not always within my abalities.. and i couldn't even cross my own barrel.. not to mention helping other..

2008-10-08T12:00:00.000+08:00

I hate to go into friendster.. cause when ever i go into it.. and i saw him picture.. my whole came crashing down.. almost 1 year but i cannot seem to forget his exist..
Started on 13 oct 2006 ( friday).. ended on 7 nov 2007.. first kiss on bus 88 second floor 5 row from the front..
I thought i could just forget about it like other matter.. just fall asleep and wake up a fresh the next day.. but just this matter that i cannot forget..
Y .. y is it so hard to let go ? almost a year.. but i just cannot forget it..
wanted to tell you i miss you.. but i will not do it.. don't want u to suffer because of mi.. don't want you to be sad and disappointed with mi again..
hope he happy with his life now..

2008-10-03T16:09:00.001+08:00

i really feeling very down.. good!! think i on the way to getting back mmy old self.. keeping thing inside and pretend nothing have happen and keep smiling and act blur, act stupid.. great! on the road to recover.. haha.. what am i doing.. just waiting for every year, every month, every day, every hour, every mintues, every second to pass by.. that all..

something in our busy life, we forgotten to said thank to someone who has done us a favour. Or we tend/hope to get grain from someone else but forgotten or don't intend to return the person a favour or good deed.. we refuse to do anything that will be a disadvantage to us or refuse to help if it out of the ways.. some of them even if it on the way, they just pretend it out of the way and refuse to help.. somtime when u do someone a favour, are u having this thought that the person will return u a favour next time when u need it.. i can tell you is ' this thought only happen on a few people.. it A FEW, and only this few will return a favour.'

2008-09-22T10:36:00.000+08:00

What am i still thinking of.. what am i still looking into? nothing to be hold.. it time to let go.. but how far can i let it go? but if i hold on... how long can i hold on.. people do change. it amazing people can forget thing easily.. but y can't i do that.. maybe beacsue it hurt mi deeply.. i always scold people stupid.. think i should be rank first for stupid.
Just celebrate my birthday on friday.. thought that i would be happy.. But early in the moring.. when my mum knew my menu, i got a big scolding from her.. all my mood for the day is spolit.. I tried to be happy but i cannot.. so i decieded to PRETEND.. it hard but i cannot let my freind and relative see my sad face.. i don't even know when i started to learn to pretend.. when ?
adn i knew that he had gotten himself in a new relationship.. But y i still goes into his profile to see it.. y must i make myself so sad.. y must i make myself cry.. Y ?

2008-09-17T10:19:00.000+08:00

i read it somewhere that said it always harder to speak your problem out then to write it out for someone to read. But it is also more effective to speak it out right to someone then to write it.. I tried... I gueese all of us heard before this sentence ' when you are feeling down, you can always give mi a call. I will always be ready to be your listening ear.' But really in this buzz and busy world, everyone is busy with their own life.. Busy with coming exam, project, meeting client and dateline of everything. Gueese maybe that was just a entertainment sentence.. A sentence that people use to be nice..
Whenever i feeling sad and looking for someone to talk to, i look throught my whole contact list.. I only found a few.. I call them, but some of them where in class or working, therefore they were unable to talk to mi. but by the time, they are free, i would already decided not to tell or already hide it in my heart and forcing myself to sleep to forget about this matter..
I keep telling mysle ' adeline, tomorrow sunsine will be better..... but how much better? i don't know.' All i know is i am walking on a endless road searching for a care and love which i lose it 18 year ago and also 2 year ago.

2008-09-08T11:44:00.000+08:00

tick tock, tick tock,every second, every mintues pass. and mi, so bored in the office, counting down to break time, counting down to off work time... In fact i am quite sleepy till i heard one news and i suddenly awake... i will be all by myself for this whole week... cause my sup went back malaysia for something urgent.. oh man.. don't feel like coming to work liao.. i will be bored to death... argh...

2008-09-08T10:10:00.000+08:00

Ia m feeling quite down yesterday night.. it was long queeue but i bid good bye and went off in a long queeue.. the kind of feelign is like throwing your friend to survive.. there only 1 sup, Anita and Saron.. roselindah was inside counting cashier money.. when i went insisde CC.. saron was inside playing with 1 of my cashier and only left Anita outside herself... But i was in a rush as my parent was here to fetch mi, but i really feeliing bad and wanted to said sorry to Anita.. When i having dinner with my parent then went back home, i thought i was tired, but when i lie on my bed, i could not fall asleep, maybe it because of the long queeue or what happen in the morning.. playing psp to try to make myself tired...

2008-09-01T09:28:00.000+08:00

i mean that... i mean it admit that it true... that i am really usless..i though through in a cab toward somewhere else after i did something wrong which cause my friend to be angry with mi and tell mi stright in my face in a mintues of anger... but look, i knew it true.. looking into my life.. what sucess had i achieve. i fail my 'n' level and need to retake second time... what was a simple exam and yet i can fail it.. great... i fail my 'o' level... spent 6 year in secondary... landed myself in ITE.. and just pass my ITE without getting great mark... Could not get into poly... Could not kept his heart... there nothing i had success.. if u were taking about a good/great friend friend i had.. i think that it not my success, it only kind of them to let mi be part of their world cause i am always doing something wrong that make them angry or a mess to let them clear up for mi... they were there for mi all time, but i was not a great friend for them.. so could anyone tell mi what my success when there isn't that i could think of..

2008-08-28T11:59:00.000+08:00

i was happily e-maling my friend when i overheard this song on the com of my working friend... and that song remind mi of him... 'he said that the song was a favourite of his for his ex.. suddenly i ask myself, i thought that u had forgot about him,,, what happen to you adeline...' 'there no fansty on this earth... it just a dream and u had really slept enough.. it time to wake up... last time, i wish to spent all my birthday and each of every day with him.. but now i wish to spent it under a broad dark blue sky with lots of star above mi.. well, like i said, it all fantsy that hardly will come true.. how to find so many star in singapore, especially on my birthday... keep telling myself tml going to be a better day and i hope so..

Sorry guys if i were to let any of you all feel disappointed or angry about mi.... i never done anything in my life the right way.. and i never live up to anyone expection of mi.. i always have to let people clear away my mess for mi.
If one day, something has happen or befall mi, hope it will be a good thing cause lesser trouble for everyone.. haha.. i think too much about going away so soon... think i watch too much show on tv that show the beautiful side of the other part of the world.. haha...

guy, it really your misfortune that you all get to know mi.. really...sorry...

2008-08-15T14:21:00.000+08:00

After such a long time, i decided to start blog again... feeling kind of moody.. really don't know y i don't really look forward to my birthday... Got this new job.. people here treat mi very nice and kind..

Thing will change... nothing remain unchange, so does people.. My wish for 21... 'is to forget every single memories of past, only remain present.. Starting from today onwards.. ' sound like

a stupid wish right ?

living each and everyday life in a busy and tired mood... this is the best way for mi to lead everyday.. go home drop dead on bed.. wake up time for work... maybe that part of the reason y i like to sleep till evening time on sunday if i got nothing to do.. another reason will be tiredness..

Mp3 is my best friend.. accompanying mi every single day without fail and always entertain mi.. music is my world... i realise that u can never ask mi to step out of the house without my mp3 with mi... cause that the time i will feel really lonely.. Hp don't know y i don't really care much now.. cause i don't wanna anyone to find mi when i am at my down moment.. Because i don't wanna anyone to see mi cry expect myself...

2008-01-15T17:12:00.000+08:00

who am i now? i am not sure either.. Love ? Trust? Faith? I no longer believe in it anymore... I have drawn a shield from it.. to prevent myself from hurt? or i have choose to turn cold blooded? or is it because i still could not find out y i am living for? what my strong point and my weak point... i don't even know..

what the use of working so hard? One day, we will all drop dead and be put lying in a coffin and get burn away by fire into ash.. life is so fragile.... one mintues a person can be healthy, any other mintues they are gone... I had enough of all this thing and all this news...

2008-01-04T00:29:00.000+08:00

Everyone of us are human.. everyone of us has feeling.. i am also a human, i am also a ordinary child.. sometime, i still need my parent attention.. my past exam i score 60 plus.. after that i really study hard and i improve to 78 mark... my friend improve from 70 to 75. my teacher was like so happy that she improve. i really try very hard...but y can't my teacher notice it.. and when ever i free, sometime, i help my mum to clean up the house.. and she never said anything.. when my brother or sister help out, mu mum will make a comment or notice it.. y god? i also a human, a child... a ordinary child.. even if i look strong on the front, but every human has a weak side.. i also need people to priase or encourage mi to keep mi going.. i need attention too.. last sat.. it was raining cat and dogs.. i did something stupid just to get my parent attention.. i too a ride in my bike and got myself drench.. rode for about 1 hour to 2.. then i return home, it was empty, with only 4 walls... i switch on the air con.. hoping to get sick and seek my parent attention.. and guess what.. my parent did not even realise that i rode a bike in the rain.. they did not even notice that i am sick.. they thought that i catch a cold because the air con was too cold.. great! ! guess i wasn't that important after all.. people always said that without 1 person in the family, it will be different... but they don't know that it did not apply to all family... not at all..
if i were to be gone... 5 years down the road, how many people will ever remember that i exist in this world before?

2008-01-04T00:21:00.000+08:00

what has happen to the innocent part of mi.. the angel part.. the one which always smile without any worry.. the one which never thought of any bad thing or trying to hurt other.. Life is like a games.. each of us are like the character in the game.... in the process of growing up, we will learn new skills.. and when the memory is full, u will Have to give up a old skills to learn new skills.. have i given up the innocent part of mi and start to learn to be a devil.. or i start losing trust in everyone and already start building up a wall or shield to protect myself from getting hurt..can i still be a angel? can i still be as free as a bird? can i can believe in trust? can i still be happy always? hope so ba...

2008-01-04T00:01:00.000+08:00

Last day of 2007 year, first day of 2008 year.. I spent it ay Pula Ubin.. i decided to go there because i want some quiet.. thw whole day i cycle around and the best part of all was that i went to the top of the viewing tower at check Jawa.. It was really a nice and beautiful sight from above.. i can see the whole forest, sea and bird from the top.. i really wanna stay there if possible.. and enjoy the sight there everyday.. but good thing will always have to come to the end...

i was always lying to myself.. i thought that i have got over it.. i thought it will be all right.. But what happen ? I ended up with my eyes fill up with tears whole day.. i cried on the way home, to work and the way home from work.. 2008? First day of the new year.. down with a fever, bad luck and lots of tears involve.. what could be better then first day of new year..

At the top of the tower, i remember that my friend once ask mi what will my dream house be... I answer that my dream house is a house near the sea where i can see the wave and feel the breeze everyday.. and my house roof top is made of glass. and from my bedroom, when i laid down, i can see the sky from the glass panel roof top.. the beautiful star that are above me with bird flying high and free..

2007-12-28T00:39:00.000+08:00

'Last Christmas, i gave you my heart. and the very next day, you gave it away' sound like my story right?.. maybe that y i fall in love with it the mintues i heard it. this christmas, the best gift i had is not the gift i recieve or the value or the gift.. But it the time which everyone spend with mi the evening and night.. really grateful to everyone.. sometime, i agree that my lokes are really lame and stupid.. or sometime, i said thing too fast and might hurt you all... but really thank that u all did not bear any grudge against mi.. i really had alot of fun on 26 dec evening.. really enjoy it.. had abit of drink and went back home headache.. but that the only day i fall asleep fast and sweetly, and a day which i never drop any tear to get myself to sleep..
but i realise that i hate to have a whole day free.. i felt very uneasy when i wake up, maybe because there nothing to do ba plus slient in the whole house and my phone.. i really have to get use to it.. i really wish to go somewhere where i can find the old adeline again.. i wanna fall asleep and dream of my fairyland again, and be a happy person again.. someone who is not easily defeated by reality..
People always told mi that it will not work for us.. my friend all agree that i should not put in so much time in it.. but i believe in myself, i believe that i will get what i sow.. as long as i put in effort, thing will work out fine.. But i was too innocent, too stupid.. i should have trust everyone.. and now i regret.. sometime, you don't really get what u sow.. i learn not to put in too much effort and expectation in thing.. cause i am too fragile.. i am really afraid of getting hurt again.. i don't wanna get hurt again, i don't wanna drop any tear again.. i wanna my old life back.. but can i still find it? i don't know.. and i doubt so.. because everyone change as time goes by... even my family.. i started to find my enviroment unfamilar.. it seem so strange around mi.. everyone seem so stranger so far away...

2007-12-19T01:20:00.001+08:00

I dream of a simple living. Just a day where all my family can sit down and enjoy a movie together. A day where all my friends will be free to go out shopping and slack whold day at coffee bean or starbuck for a drink with no worry or not rushing off somewhere after that. A day where i can without any worry, A day where i will be surrounded by my love one whole day. A day where there will not be any years involve. A simple wish by a simple girl for this simple white christmas.

2007-12-19T01:10:00.000+08:00

I hate firework now. Last time i use to love it, i will get excited and specially happy when i see it..but now, maybe not... Y do good thing have to come to the end? Y can't it just last forever.. Just like school, i love school cause it a time when i being with friends and had fun.. But the moment the bell rang.. it all over.. Walking out alone sometime, waiting for bus alone, taking bus alone.. Alone at home, alone in my room.. silent after school.... i never hate holiday because it a time where i can rest and had fun.. But now? yes... i hate it.. really hate it... Trying hard to work every single day so that all my day will be occupied and reach back home tired and worn out.. then i can stright away fall asleep.. this way i will be busy and also will not have any problem to fall asleep.. i know that not a good idea.. but that my only choice for getting myself tired... at least i still can earn some money..

2007-12-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

i met this friend of my on a bus to work few days ago... we yalk about alot of thing.. cannot remember much of it.. but when i was about to board down the bus, she suddenly ask me, 'do you think that u had been take for granted.' i simply look back at her, smile and reply ' that life.. ppl will not know that they need u till they lost u... then they will start to learn that u are important..' but when i board down the bus, i was really wondering that is it really true..

there this occasion where i started to go watvh a movie on my very own... it was meant to be a comdey show.. the whole theater was lauging away.. i was the only one not laughing at all.. is it beacuse i don't get use to watching movie alone? or is it beacuse a person will only be true to themselves when they are alone? or i already lost the happy part of it? don't ask mi... cause i don't know the answer at all too...

2007-12-01T22:06:00.000+08:00

Dear Diary....
I would describe myself as' han xu ca' on very shy plant.. everytime i try to open up myself, i ended up being hurt.. think maybe i should not put in too much effort in things.. so i will not be able to get hurt again.. i hate myself... never seem to do thing right.. i try to be a good child in school.. help teacher do this and that.. but when teacher lost their thing, they put the blame on mi althought my friend all said that it wasn't me... i thought i earn trust in ppl... But it all turn out that i was just bluffing myself... i try my best in everything, but it never turn out the result i want.. it just turn worst for mi... then maybe i should not put in any effort at all.. ppl said life IS NOT ALWAYS FAIR.. but life HAD NOT BEEM FAIR for mi... it really tired... i am really tired of trying my best.. wish that i could close my eyes and never wake up... haha.. really looking forward to going malaysia... somewhere i can relax and get away from all these thing.. maybe i will feel better.. and when ppl said promise.. i hate it.. cause alot of sadness and regret come from promise... and to me, promise are just mean to be broken and to be kept forever... not at all anymore...

2007-11-26T21:11:00.000+08:00

when everyone asl mi how come i don't talk about my problem alot.. i always wonder about it... Is it i get use to being alone? or i perfer to keep it in my heart? or i did not have any friends to talk to when i was young so i get use to keeping it in my heart? i really don't know... Till on one sat when i was a marina square when i saw a da giving his son 3 tight slap in front of the whole crowd. Is then i recall what happen to mi when i was in primary 2. i guess i was a normal child who always like attention. espically the attention given by teacher i guess.. kid are like that.. i remember seeing one of my classmate (i cannot remember his name) having tibit inside his pocket.. it was ma ma mi.. crispy noodles.. i saw him eating it in class. so the first thing i do is to said: "hor! you got tibit inside your pocket. i go tell teacher.. ' then i ran up to the front of the class to teacher to tell the teacher that he got tibits inside his pocket.. the teacher was telling mi don't lie.. i guess i always lie or talk rubbish ba.. that y teacher never trust mi. haha.. anyway, my teacher went up to him and check his pocket.. there wasn't any tibits there.. and guess what? the teacher give me a tight slap on my cheek in front of the whole class.. i was only primary 2 when she give mi a tight slap on my face.. maybe that when i learn to bottom thing up and never said it out.
there actually good and bad.. Good is i learn not to tell other secert out.. bad is i kept my own too..

2007-11-21T08:44:00.000+08:00

When i was a kid. i always believe in angel. believe that santa clause will appear on christmas.. Believe that you will get good luck and the present you want if you are a good kids. or nothing will happen to you if you follow the rule of life.. this and that... But my question is what have we done wrong.. are we naught kids? what have we done to deserve this things? i been a nice kids, doing every thing that i am suppose to do... just wishing for a simple dream, that happiness. but where my angel? where is it.. I wanna ask the angel if it possible to take my happiness and spread it to ppl around me.. rather then wasting it on me. i no longer feel anything.. nor happiness.. as long as ppl around me are happy, i am happy liao.. this christmas theme is called fantasy christmas. with lots of fairy and all elf.. but it no longer exsist in my world... i no longer believe in fairy tales. It all only happen in story book and tv.. no in reality.. no longer in reality..

2007-11-15T08:47:00.000+08:00

Luckily for him, he got off my world fast. I realise that i wasn't that kind, friendly, outgoing person i thought i was. i was just a devil in a angel clothes. I put on the clothes to make myself look good. and trying to bluff myself. but i start to hate the angel clothes. i lost one thing.. SELF LOVED. no longer the adel u guys know.. i just wanna or hope to live in a urban island.. a simple and peaceful life.. too much wants to fulfiled.. too tired. I not that kind and friendly as u guys think i was.. that was my fake idenfied u all seen.. so from today onwards, BEWARE OF ME. beware of this DEVIL in angel clothes.

2007-10-11T00:43:00.000+08:00

well... this holiday wasn't quiet a good and nice holiday.. but i definetly learn alot from this holiday.. Firstly, thing was not going quite right for myself and frez around mi. when there life, there death.. and i learn to really appericate people around mi more. i don't wanna start to regret only when i lose them. But i really salute my frez, she really can handle thing so well, she can really stand up and go on into the future and be also able to cheer me up when she see mi. If i were the one, i don't think i will be able to take it so easily.. all the way frez.. i really see your courage... and i really wanna thank you guys all for walking into my life and make me who i am today, without you guy, i realy don't know what i will become.. thank frez!

a place to cry

2007-09-12T18:31:00.000+08:00

There no place to hide.
To allow me to cry my heart out.
I can only hide at the bottom of the pool
my tear merge with the water
my crying sound turn into bubbles
No one saw me crying
No one heard me crying
The best place for me to cry out loud.
But i cannot stay in the water for too long
i will soon be out of breath
But i can comfirm is all my sorrow
had become bubbles been blow out of my mind.
as i got out of the pool
what you can see is a new me.

Dream...

2007-09-12T17:58:00.000+08:00

I love to sleep. because i love to dream..
i dream of a dolphin, and me hugging a dolphin.
Swimming in the deep crystal clear ocean blue.
one round after one round, one round after one round.
till the ocean become soft, till both of us are tired and fallen asleep.
All this can only happen in a dream.
Only in a dream, it can be so beautiful.

Poeple who we don't see

2007-09-12T17:48:00.000+08:00

we strech out our arm, to surround the huge tree. using the lenght of the 6 of us.
And when you look at one angle, you can only see the 4 of us. You cannot see the other 2
The other 2 are cuter then us, but too bad you cannot see them
we can hear them giggle, but too bad you are too far, you cannot hear their laughter.
the other 2 people behind us, we always pretend that they are not there.
It happen in life too. those who are behing us supporting us and encourage us.
we always pretend that they are not there or choose to ignore their present.
sometime, i do overlook.. Do you?

I just wanna go home

2007-09-12T17:42:00.000+08:00

Wheni first enter primary school, to start my knowledge of life, i just wanna go home.
When i had a fight with my friend in school, i just wanna go home.
When i am scared, angry or afraid or painful, i just wanna go home.
When i feel tired or having fear of something, i just wanna go home.
i don't care how people look at me or how they think of me, at long as i back home.
I know i am safe..

When i am helpless...

2007-09-12T17:22:00.000+08:00

Standing on the shore of the beach, wearing my favourite tee.
The brezze was so stong. the wave was so huge, the tide was so high
i wanted to jump into the water, but i did not wish to get my tee wet..
my cap was blown away by the wind, staring at the deep blue ocean,
staring at my favourite cap, the wave has took it far away from me.
I could hear her voice calling me, calling for my help.
But i just stood there, staring at it and do nothing.
the sun were so bright and the breeze were so strong.
And my tear were soon evapourable by the hot sun.
Soon i realise that in life, this is just the begining
when something happen, there actually nothing i can do about it.
But luckily it all started off at a beautiful beach.

2007-09-12T17:19:00.001+08:00

when i was small, i heard people keep saying that they wish that time would stop at the moment. I was wondering y would they want time to stop, i rather time go fast so that i can end school early, can go out with my friends and shop. or go stright back home to play com. But as i slowly grow up, i realise y they said that. i really wish that time would stop at my secondary school life.. My secondary school life was the most colourful of my life. friend bonding and fun behold everyday. As we grow older, the burden we had to carry evenly become more. sometime, it too much that we end up hiding from real world. People around u come and go. Some has went off to a far awayland.. into a place that does not contain burden. Life change alot when u grow, so does people around u. Don't expect people to remain the same, and never blame them... It the cause of enviroment that cause them to change so that they can adape to the world surrounding them. If time were to stop, Where would you want it to stop?

2007-08-21T14:04:00.000+08:00

If i were blue, would you be there for me and whisper in my ear that okie? Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight and said you love me one more time? If i feel good, would you slow dance with me, and touch my lip with tending loving kiss? Would you die for me? Would you run with me and never look back? Would you be there to love to be with me ? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you said that you always be the one, to take my breath away? Would you be there to love to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you said that you always be the one, to take my breath away? Would you be there?

If i fly away, would you still thinnk of me? And wish that you can hold me now? Would you die for me? Would you run away with me all the way? Would you be there to love to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you said that you always be the one, to take my breath away? Would you be there to save my soul tonight? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you you that you will always be there to kiss my pain away? Would you be there to love to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you said that you will always be the one, to take my breath away? Would you be there to save my soul tonight? Would you swear that your love is always true? would you said that you will always be there to kiss my pain away? Would you be there?

Would you?

2007-06-18T23:00:00.000+08:00

reseach had shown that 85 % of the people will tend to hurt people around them when they get hurt. maybe i am one of them ba.. when ever i am sad or unhappy, i will tend to hurt ppl around mi. people i love and care. Sorry if i ever hurt u before, i am like other prople, i am a girl somehow. when ever i am hurt i just need someone to be there for mi. to console and cheer mi up. i know that u had tried your best, it just that i was really hard case for u.. i know that somehow u will come across and read this post... Dear, i wanna tell u that i really care for u although i hardly shown it out. I know u had done alot for mi. But i just cannot be your dream and perfect girl.. i had made you sad alot of time and make you unhappy, and i couldn't give you whatever you want.. Promise mi that one day, if you really meet a dream and perfect girl in your life.. Go after her and protect her.. be there for her, don't bother about mi. no matter if i cried till my eyes become sore.. Cause someday, i will come to realise that it wasn't your fault. Remember that there one time i go very moody, because 2 pair of my friend has broke up.. they told mi that being together for 4 year, once u grow up, your thinking will change.. I know myself. my bad point over right my good point. I was really afraid that u might choose to leave mi one day. there one poem htat i come across a few months back, 'when i first met u, i was afraid to hold u. when i hold u, i was afraid to lose u' But i wanna tell u that i really love u from the bottom of my heart. When ever i see u smile, i will be extra happy.. when i called u husband, i really hope that the day will ever arrive.. cause i cannot wait for that day to arrive.. really, i realy want to be with you everyday.. sorry for today bad temper and bad mood.. love u dear.

2007-06-07T19:35:00.000+08:00

I hate being lonely and alone. That is y i love my handphone alot. Cause i always love to hear the music and being not that lonely and being in a familar place i called my own world.
I hate being ignore. But attention always goes to my sister who was good at studies and always recieving award. Attention goes to my brother who was the only male child in the family. There one time i had a fight with her telling her that she only care about them but not me.. She reply saying that 'ya so! the world is not fair any way..' soon i start to grow in this little world of mine. A world which i cannot be borther what happening outside. My friend told me that a family of 4 usually the perfect. I did not trust it at all.. But soon i realise it. my family took a photo of 4 in a neo print and they paste it on the family phone. That is y i hate to use my family phone or give my house number to my friend. i usually give them i hp number. A number i know it belong to me. I hate being in the house, cause i get use to living i my own world, i like/perfer to stay in my owm room. Hearing laughter outside make me more jealouse. That y i love to work. working whole day being at somewhere where ppl know i am there. My family stop celebrating my birthday when i was 12 year old. When my birthday comes, they treat it as normal day. When my bro and sis birthday, they always went out for a dinner giving them a treat.
But i got this bad habit, telling lies on how bliss my family are. In fact, that not really a lie. ya, they are bliss but that do not include me. But because i been growing up in these 10 years of being in my own world. I hardly learn to love ppl around me, or treat them very nicely.
I loves to put on a brave front when i not happy, or don't like it. I hate my cover, but looking at the bigger picure, i be able to cheer up or make ppl around me happy. some time, telling a white lie making ppl around me happy wasn't a bad thing.
I loves to kid around. cheering ppl around me happy cause when ever i see happy or smiling face, somehow i find meaning in my live. and i will be happy.

Am i making the right choice?

2007-03-21T23:53:00.000+08:00

i am not sure what am i doing now.. I always want everyone around me to be happy. but i not sure what i doing is the right thing anot. maybe i not really good in human releationship. i am not able to make everyone happy.. my exist is making one person angry or quarreling with other one.. is my exist the correct choice or wrong. Should i be existing... i don't want one to be unhappy with the other one. should i just be gone, perhape their relationship will be better.. Perhape..

2007-02-21T22:02:00.000+08:00

Out of 21 days this month.. i can said that i only been laughing or happy on 4 days this month.. Really happy or laughing out my heart.. What had happen to the other 13 days? i not sure.. haha.. what am i thinking now i don't even know myself.. what borthing mi? why cannot i laugh out loud everyday like i use to be.. today shall be last day to be unhappy.. I want to be happy and smiling everyday from now on.. haha

2007-02-21T20:53:00.000+08:00

Today, i suddenlt realise that y i keep getting hook by my tamagotchi. When i first started playing it, all the people around mi ask y i still play with it? they ask in a funny way is it that i got no childhood that y i still hang on to playing it.. I just give them a wide smile and said mayb because i don't know the answer to the question. But now i suddenly realise the answer today.. It because i was afraid of being lonely.. having it by my side is like having a friend there for mi, playing with mi when i am feeling lonely.. They are stright forward and easy happy after you play with them.. y cannot a human be like them? where that old mi gone to? i started to expect more from life now.. i just wanna be that happy, easy going and a simple minded person i use to be.. a person who is happy with what she has in her life.. when i am small, my dad told mi that there a black and white world.. there a clear line between it.. But now, it seem that the line getting dimmer. there no clear line between it..

2007-01-18T19:50:00.000+08:00

Haix... wanting to tell one of my teacher that i wanted to quit her CCA but i was afraid that she will blow her top.. starting she only got 6 ppl in a group and she got 2 group.. but one of the group quit before us.. which mean leaving only us the only group.. My CCA is to think and think and think.. Killing my brain cell everyday.. Haix... doing a project one after another without stoping.. then from 6 to 5 ppl.. and now mi plus other 2 ppl are quitting.. which left only 2 ppl.. and this could not form up to a team.. however, they don't want to quit as they do not have a CCA and they hope to get a CCA to get into poly.. Can any one tell mi what to do ? haix.. at the same time they are my friend who i hang out with.. Haiz... what to do ?

2007-01-06T18:32:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i just got back from my camp.. it was quite a boring camp.. The only exciting part is at the begining where we went off to pula ubin to have trekking. it was fun and exciting, walking into muddy soil and having fun trying to avoid the muddy area but end up make more mess.. haha.. climbing to the top of the mountain and looking down at a lake, it was really a nice and beautiful sight.. having lunch using mestin and cooking our own, remind mi of NPCC camp and food... and being chase by dog was really funny thing.. never walk into someone else house, just stand outside of the house and ask.. you never know if there a dog barking and running out to chase you.. back to the camp, which is in aloha changi. the boring thing started.. first day was still all right.. second day was a real board.. eating breakfast, then rest, then brefing, then lunch follow by resting then preparing bbq, after that we bbq and eat till our fill, then rest ans sleep. then next morning eat breakfast then off we go home.. nothing but eating and resting most of the time.. however slacking whole day, the moment i reach home, i drop dead on my bed.. my bed really better then anything.. haha.. school reopening soon.. time to study hard, enough of the playing during holiday.. haix, i still at holiday mood.. what am i goin to do ?

2007-01-06T18:18:00.000+08:00

On tuesday was my last day at carrfour.. it was normal till i started to be alone on the bus back home.. it was quiet and lonely.. I started to hate the feeling.. Last time, i always love that feeling of being by myself after work.. But that day, it seem that the trip last forever.. Tears of sadness fall down my cheek.. Never had that kinds of feeling before.. Maybe too much memory for mi in this company.. make miwhen its time to sleep, i could not fall into dreamland.. first time i need a radio to make mi into sleep.. last time i always find radio noisy and irrating.. But now it my source for falling asleep.. suddenly, i hope that date will always be 1 of january.. However, memory are memory.. first time when i close my eyes, i saw lots of ppl.. nazz, shar,, din, ray, yi hui, shirly, jenny, charlene and ahmina and lots more.. These are ppl who stay in my memory. Although the working time and customer suck, However, the end day always something we looking for.. song and jokes that fill the air.. Thank carrfour for hiring mi and accepting my rubbish excuse when i late for work An toarting mi when i am having mood swing. Thank to ppl who always there puting on a smile to cheer mi up when i feeling low.. memory in carrfour are too much to be hold.. It time i learn to let it go..

2006-12-17T22:42:00.000+08:00

Guess what.. today i went off to indonesia with my mum, my sis, my aunti and her friend.. haha.. i only had 3 hour sleep and i had to set off to indonesia for holiday.. Cause i was working night shift on sat and reach home at 3.30..
i was quite excited in the morning.. got up at 6 plus.. leave at 7.. we went off to habour front to take a boat there.. It was a 1 hour journey to indonesia.. and guess what.. on our way there, we saw a man floating in the middle of the ocean.. he was half naked.. all of us were so curious that we started to go to the side to see that man.. And of course the boat started to get unbalance.. haha.. some ppl realised it and went back to their sitting area.. i thought he fell into the sea accidentlly when he fishing or something..
we went from one destiation to another by bus.. on our way from one to another, i saw children selling newspaper or asking for money from vehicles.. and i saw this lady, she bandage her right leg and she wasn't wearing any shoe.. it was also raining very heavy.. that lady was asking for money for vehicles at the road side and she was totally wet.. and the soil were all muddy, all of a sudden i felt really sad and depress by the scene..
next we went off to the shopping centre.. we only had 1 hour 15 min to shop.. Guess that wasn't enough for mi.. haha.. i bought a shoe and some gift.. really like that shoe alot.. haha.. we return back to singapore at 8.30..
it was a long day for us.. Tired but happy.. Depress by the scene but glad i bought my shoe.. Learn a lesson from this trip.. Treasure what you have.. Cause there much more unforunate people out there.

2006-12-01T14:57:00.000+08:00

haha.. 25 more days to Christmas... Woundering what will happen this christmas... Celebrating with him and ppl i know... hope this christmas will leave a memorable memory in my lifes... sound like i am dying tml.. haha.. work school and everything as usual.. only having a ca for accounting this tuesday.. hope i pass it well.. still thinking of what present to buy for him. haha.. i already thought of what to buy for my friend but not him yet... my freedom will soon be coming... 24 more day, 9h 55 min and 20 sec according to my watch to be exact... haha

2006-11-20T14:42:00.001+08:00

Darm suck... Today not my day.. sian.. Came home from school where this perverts follow mi.. then he sit behind mi.. i got so irrated by him that i move place.. then he follow.. so i start to get supericious of him... when i stop at my stop.. he follow.. normal at traffic light.. only kids and office adult run at it cause they use to rush for it as they are afraid of late.. so when i start running.. he follow.. so i know abit of what he want liao.. so i stopped at the other end of the traffice light and shouted at him.. telling him if he follow again i will report it to the police.. i knew that shouting at him in public will make him go away asap.. darm suck.. after that i can really tell you is that i am really darm scared.. it true ok..

Freedom

2006-11-17T13:24:00.000+08:00

hiax... mi now using my school com to blog this post.. really slow le, my school com.. Today don't know y just feel so happy, maybe because of something that seem to be better... haha.. get back my test result today.. I only got 85 mark.. idiot.. thank to my stupid and classless mistake.. i should have memories the thing be4 i get into the exam class... haix... anyway, i thought of something which i ahd memtion on my last post.. To give up something so that i will be having enough energy to do more thing.. I guess that will be my working job.. That problem i willl thought of it later when the time ripe or when the problem really occur.. i beem getting more tired lately... stress or not enough time to sleep? i will know it when i have relases one of the responsibilities i been holding on.. maybe too much responsibilities then i am capable of really tired mi out.. Holding on to 2 CCA.. holding on to the top few in class, holding on to my job.. it mot as easy as i thought it was.. staying attentive in lesson or finding time to do my homework is alrealy a hard thing for mi.. not to memtion having 2 CCA and doing the project for THE SCHOOL.. it really stink.... i am only 19.. I want freedom... i just wanna enjoy life.. that all.. i don't wanna regret when i get older and cannot do the thing i like anymore...

why is there a devil within us ?

2006-11-16T23:42:00.000+08:00

i was so board today that i started to flip through my photo albume.. I always love to look at the photo.. Behind every photo, there lies a story. It also remind mi of the past. Looking at the picture, i could see an innocent face.. when we are young and have not really know or see much of the world yet, we all so innocent like an angel.. An apple of everyone eyes... we know nothing about backslab and speaking bad thing behind the person back.. We will always said "i don't want to friend you.." but the very next mintues, we forget about evrything and start playing together again.. when we do something wrong, we will always put a cute and innocent face that make the angry adult face fade away to a smiling face.. But as we grow older, the devil within us started to grow, as we discover more of the world ugly side.. we lies when we make a mistake.. we blackslab the person if they did something wrong.. We remember it for life if they offend us the second time.. we blame it on other when thing do not work out right. Why do we grow up on this ways?

Committimemt

2006-11-15T23:05:00.000+08:00

School, work, homework, CCA and other committement like going yunan and doing CIP locally really stress mi out.. some of my CIP fall on Sat and i am working on sat.. So i either have to apply leave on sat or work the afternoon shift.. Still woundering if my boss ever allow mi.. Wanting to quit but thinking if i don't have an income, i will have to lean on my family to support mi.. I just want my family to have more money to spent to enjoy a better life, and also at least if something ever goes wrong with my dad job.. at least my family still can support on my mum and my income.. Althought it not that much but at least if it really happen, we can at least have something to support the basic need of my family.. And if did not have a CCA, i might have a hard time going to Poly compare to those student with a good result and a CCA..then my ITE cert will be wasted.. And hardly any job can be found with only ITE cert. Committment like Doing CIP locally and oversea help mi to broaden my view on certain thing, to make a better mi.. This is something which i looking forward to, something which interest mi among all these committment. School is definatly something i cannot give up.. So if i really want to give up thing.. can anyone just tell mi which one can i really give up.. Tired, tired.. cannot wait till school holiday to get a good rest.

2006-10-23T17:07:00.000+08:00

i going to like this week of school.. no school on tue and fri.. So happy... so relaxing.. yeah ! anyway, my this year sem teacher are all quite nice but only nagging and long winded abit la.. but they are really nice ppl.. i really like them on their first appearance.. haha.. hope that i can survive this sem..really enjoying going for this sem lesson.. I seem to like business commucation best.. it seem los of fun and the teacher (miss low) is quite funny.. this sem acc had lots of thing to catch up.. specially i had no accounting background.. haha hope i enjoy this sem..

2006-10-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

today was the second week of the schol reopening.. feel kind of gald to be back school... got abit tired of working life now... however, school was not like usually so easy task liao.. my new time table was that we have to get to school by 8 EVRYDAY... and i had to get up by 6... sian.. I hate early school.. but the good thing is we end early everyday.. 12 plus, 1 plus.. The longest day is thurs.. But in fact MY longest day is tue.. i got lesson till 1 plus.. cca till 2 plus.. lunch till 3 plus.. Jap lesson till 5 plus.. Work from 6 till 11... Reach home 12.30 (earliest) then school next day... every wed will be my slack day.. Cause not enought sleep.. some more topic on this sem are harder, and it mean i had to put in more effort then last sem..

My birthday ! (tuesday)

2006-09-21T16:04:00.000+08:00

On tuesday is my birthday! ADELINE birthday! that day, as usual i still went off to work.. 1 pm till 6.. serving the lunch crowd then after2 plus.. sit down there and stare at the air.. But i did not sit down.. I don't like sitting down quietly.. Not my style.. hee hee.. after work, went out to PS to find cythina and jasmine. Both of them were waiting for mi there.. We went off to Fish and Co to eat.. Cythina treat mi to it.. The food was great.. Jasmine gave mi some cake which she bake it for mi! we sit there slowly ate our food and gossiping.. And the most memoriabke is there one person who was on the phone and she just walk and knock onto the plastic door.. It was really a loud knock. hee hee.. Cythina saw it and she was lauging.. Both mi and jasmine miss it, but soimehow, we could not stop lauging when we knew it.. A FUN birthday i had

My birthday ! (wednesday)

2006-09-21T15:54:00.000+08:00

Yeah ! it wed... this is my 19th birthday... and i really had enjoy my birthday celebration for the past few days... It was really fun and also memoriable... Thank to all those who remember my birthday and those who celebrate it with mi !. I felt that our bonding is still there.. even if we are not able to meet each other evertime, however, we really had fun on wed.. we are like a bunch of crazy ppl lauging out loud outside without caring about our image.. and having one of my frez ruth there with her lame joke.. we went to cafe catal to had our celebration. we had our meal while waiting for Sock Hui and Ruth. Both ladies came at 9.30... Ruth call the person and ask that service provider if she could hace 1/2 the portion instead of the full plate.. She went on saying all the thing like, you know i just had my yoga and then i had all the exercise and i will not want to waste it.. And you know the yoga thhis and that.. All of us were already lauging like crazy while she keep talking rubbish to that service provider.. after that she process on to ordering her order. there a paper on the table for her to fill it in herself and hand to the service provider.. on the paper there a part where we wrote our order. so she fill in 283. (the number for the item she want). Then beside it there was special request(she wrote 3/4 portion) and besade the special order there on more which is later ? it for the dessert where you want it to be serve last after you meal, you fill it in there.. but this frez of my worte on the part going home.. lame right? All we care is having fun.. i had never laugh that much this year. But yesterday was great.. thank to my NPCC gang..

2006-09-16T17:59:00.000+08:00

exam has just ended, time for mi to work again.. Ppl also ask mi why do i have to work stright after exam.. why not enjoy first.. my answer not sure why i had to choose this way.. Working is bored, But i just hate being alone and lonely.. i cannot be asking my friend to be all around mi all the time, they had their own life and own circle of frez to be with... and working allow mi to be surrounded by people i know and don't know.. or those who i don't really know..but at least i know that i am not alone.. smiling is always my way to handle lonely and everything i don't wish ppl know.. But somehow, i am really sick and tired of putting on a smile.

2006-09-03T17:51:00.000+08:00

today... i send that crazy ger off at airport... She will be going to USA for 10 days.. she told mi to remember not to do crazy thing with eve when she not around.. Cause she don't want to miss any fun.. haha.. Anyway, all the while, she worry these, worry that.. Worry about not able to get use to singapore life when she come back. worry about her luggage over extend when she go and come back. she was busy weighting all her friend lugguage hoping that her one will not be the only one extend... but in the end, hers only 13.5 KG.. my god, and she so worry all that while... what to do.. that what my crazy frez like most.. WORRY about thing. haha... Feel kind of funny logging on to com without getting to see her nick appear online.. cannot wait till she come back, at that time, we will be able to have fun and do crazy thing..

2006-08-28T22:15:00.000+08:00

Finally, I started my unpaid leave.. so happy ! Get to rest on wed, friday, thursday, sat and sun.. Yes ! However my relief don't end till i finish my exam at 13 of sep.. cannot wait till that day where i really can sleep like a log whole day.. haha.. I am so stress with my exam.. pray hard it will not be too difficult.. Cause it my first exam in ITE.. hope to pass well.. and i really feeling quite happy now, cause my birthday coming... Haha.. anyone who read this must remember to give mi a presnt hor !

Counting to Sep

2006-08-18T14:11:00.000+08:00

Mi now in my School using school com to surf net.. Thinking of having to go work afetr my school ended really destory my whole day mood. Specially knowing that lots of the poly ppl having unpaid leave this few week.. So i will be really board to death working this few days.. Really hoping that days will pass fast.. Can't want till the month sep arrive.. That is a month full of thing Happening.. Fistly, It the start of my unpaid leave at C4.. 3 week leave, next is my test period when i will end my first sem of my course and taking up new topic on accounting.. Thirdly is my Friend leaving singapore for a tour to don't know what country la.. Fourtly, it The week of my holiday coming.. It started at the second week of sep.. And it time for mi to rest and spend my time with frez.. (making up the lost time with them).. Lastly, Most important of all.... IT MY BIRHTDAY... MY 19th BIRTHDAY !!... Oh man... looking forward to it..

Sian !

2006-08-18T00:05:00.000+08:00

Sian.. This whole week i have to stay back everyday to do my CCA project.. Have to get it done by sep.. Have to do it for 2 week and see the result be4 applying to the whole school i guess.. what post survery, pre survery.. i know got alot of survey la.. Then still have to go work on wed, fri, sat and sun.. Still have to find time to do homework and revises.. Still finding time to rest this week, Guess only thursday i am free after all... finish school at 3.15.. CCA ended at 5.. reach home at 6.. And got stright to my bed and fall asleep liao.. tml will be a long day and a long weekend.. Sian ar !

Sorry, i Don't mean it

2006-08-08T13:52:00.000+08:00

i don't mean to be mean to someone.. specially to someone i don't really know.. but i just my habit which cause it.. I am someone who just love to sleep, anyone who call mi when i am sleeping will get some irrated answer like 'don't know la' 'don't ask mi' 'what ever la' and i wil always be the first to put down the phone.. but today i did it in a more irrated ways, a more mean ways.. that person called mi on the phone when i still asleep.. i am surpose to be there at 7.50.. but i overslept till 8 am when she start callinng mi on the phone.. she was asking mi nicely where i am but my reply was 'i still at home' in a very soft tone i guess she did not heard mi so she begin to ask the second time. This time i got irrated and answer ' i still at home and i am having a mc, ok' and i put down the phone before she can reply mi anything... it really mean but i don't mean to do it.. this thought of my action really trouble mi till i wake up.. i just wanna tell that person that i really sorry for not appearing and also for my rudeness.. but i don't know that person , even if i know, i don't think i have the courage to said 'i am sorry for what i done and what i said to you'

A new and unknown mi

2006-08-08T13:40:00.000+08:00

I had change into a new and unknown mi.. is it that the environment changed mi or what? I don't even know who am i now? i felt totally lost in this world when i am alone.. i don't feel comforting when i am alone now.. where has the strong and indepantant mi gone to.. i have turn into someone who bear grudge more now.. example.... i had a quarrel with one of my good friend, i find it hard to forgive her after the quarrel untill both of us cool down a certain time.. usually i would just forget about the incident the moment i meet/saw her.. the new and unknown mi really make mi feel uncomfortable..

2006-08-03T09:39:00.000+08:00

Sian ar.. One week 7 days.. five days studying and 4 days working... no freedom.. sometime i reallly got sick and tired of my working.. but wheever i am feeling low, there will always be friend there to support mi.. Friends started to quit from work one by one.. Somttime i felt alone, really alone... when i first got into this school (ite) i felt really lonely... I even have the thought of giving it up, giving up all my studies and everything.. But now i have adapted to my current life now. But soon i realise that thing do not always goes smoothly like i thought... if there never set back, i will not be able to grow up.. my relationship with my friend got better as days goes by.. Guess all i need is time to adapt into this new and unknown environment.. For the first few week of being in ite.. I really have to thank my Npcc Friend.. they are always there to support mi thought that few week of adapting into my new school.. They are always there to lend mi their hearing ear to hear my boring suff of how lonely i am in the school... I just like to said "Thank alot, FRIENDS" you guys have been a great friend and also my moral support this few year, throught my 'N' and 'O' level.. Thank Guys!

Life is all about worry

2006-03-18T16:09:00.000+08:00

Someone told mi, the best stage of life is when you are a teen... cause you be able to enjoy all the fun and joy in the world.. but to mi, i think the best stage of life is when you just born into this world... cause you are shower with all the love by everyone.. You are born with no burden on you, no problen to worry about.. just living a carefree life with a broad wide smile on your face. When you are a child who prepare to go school for the first time on the first day, you are worry that you will be lonely, you are worry that you have no friend.. When you are in primary 4, you worry about if your best friend going to forgive you when you had a quarrel, when you are in primary 6, you worry about growing up, worry about your PSLE result. Worry about which school to go in. When you are in secondary 1, you worry about going into new school with a new enviroment, worry about knowing new friend, worry that your old friend will forget you.. worry that you will not have any buddies to est lunch with you. In secondary 2, you worry that you will not be popular with your friend, worry that you will not fit into a group. Worry that no one will ask you to go their party, worry that no one will ask you out. Secondary 3, you worry about having to look good and wearing branded clothes. you worry that you will not find a boyfriend. you worry that you willbe call a weird ball, you worry about how people look at you. Secondary 4, you worry about you result, you worry about which course to choose, you worry about which poly to go.. you worry if you were to find a part time job that pay well after your national exam. after exam after finding a job, you worry if how long you going to stay on this job, you worry about what your boss thought of your performer.. when you get your result, you worry that if the poly going to accept you anot, worry that if you will still be able to study. when the poating of school is out, you worry if you can mange the course you taking, you worry if it iwll be hard to study. you worry about the school fee and the money for your laptop.. Well that life.. Life is all about worrying this and that.. If a person had nothing to worry, they will not grown up.. cause having worry is a part and parcel of life... that where you can find joys in your life